We've eaten leftovers, packed up the fall decor, and are looking ahead to Christmas. And while Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful, it wasn't without an undeniable sense of gratitude. We have so many blessings and have so very much to praise God for.

I am not sure how I got this far and never really connected to the idea that thankfulness is not an emotion. Yes, you can feel thankful. Sometimes that wells up in warm fuzzy feelings but in my life I think a more authentic thankfulness is expressed...not felt. It is expressed through generosity to the point of sacrifice, it's expressed through serving others, it's expressed through being selfless. And while I am not there yet... I am trying.

But I really wanted to feel more... And that is a strange sentiment for me because I spend a fair amount of time wishing I could feel things less.

I am really struggling with the weight of things in the lives of people I love. I wish I had the ability to turn things off but I seem to be wired to carry burdens for others. Everyday is filled with cancer right now. One of my best friends is living at the Ronald McDonald House right now as her daughter recieves treatment for cancer. Her story is full of hope and healing but it is not without cost and is still very hard. When I hear the struggle in her voice it settles in my heart.

My children's grandfather is dying. He has lived an incredible life filled with many blessing. He knows tht Lord and without a doubt is moving on to better things. But I ache for my kids. I ache for my two year old who I am not sure will remember her papa. It's unimaginble to think that the papa who has carried around a pacifier in his pocket every single day of her life will not be a part of who she is. I can't imagine what life will be like for our grandma who has spent more then fifty years loving him with an incredible servant-heart. It hard to stand under the weight of that right now.

And there is my mom. She has spent the last 6 months in our home recovering from a life long addiction...and she is here simply out of my honor for her. It's living out my faith in a way that is very pressing. To rearrange your life for someone who has spent most of their life making your life difficult, is not easy. Even with much forgivness given, it is a constant reminder of regret that things aren't different. And now she is making choices that make it hard to breath and there is nothing I can do but wait to have to pick up the pieces again.

Alaina's disease is progressing and I feel powerless under it. There are unanswered prayers that I don't understand in the life of people we love fiercely. These are burdens that I carry for the people I talk to, pray for, and love everyday. I could look further and go on...it is just a lot right now.

What I want is to be able to walk in a room and be clueless to what is going on in the lives of those people. I want to be oblivious. I don't want to get the sensation that something is off with someone and feel the air suck out of the room for me. I don't want to try and figure out how I can make it better, how I can pray for them, how I can love them through it.

Feeling emotionally exhausted has left me raw and very sensitive. It just sucks...

I know that this has a purpose. I know that with this comes the ability to love deeper, forgive freely, and engage fully... so I hold on to that.