Too much...not enough

i have been thinking about this quote from Captivating a lot this week. 

Every woman I've ever met feels it --- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.

and it isn't that i don't feel enough (most days)...mostly i have twinges of i am too much. 

there is this blog that i read that i love. i love it because i can see this girl.. she puts her heart out there and writes things i consider deeply personal, views into her heart of hearts. things that could easily be judged and misunderstood. And i love that on her blog.

it's easy to admire in someone else. it's easy to applaud her level of authenticity, her level of transparency, her commitment to being who she is. it's easy because I can't see the cost.

in my own life while i work at it, crave it, and long for authenticity, i am finding that there is a giant cost. it has me wondering if honesty is the best policy. i refuse to believe it's not the best because not being truthful, even by just withholding things, makes me crazy. i can't seem to leave things unsaid not because I want to rock the boat because I fear land mines that are made from sweeping things under the rug.

so i struggle to navigate that. because it's messy. because it's risky. because it's easy to be misunderstood. because it's easy to be judged- not out of meaness but because we all filter things through our own experiences, perspectives, and even our insecurities.

but i only have two choices. i can be quiet and smile sweetly. i could put every thought and emotion in a box and make sure that it comes out in a way that could offend no one and please everyone.

or my other choice is to be me. it's the person that questions everything, that examines things from every angle. the person that isn't satisfied with easy answers. i can only be the person that God wired to feel things with depth and sincerity. i can only be the person who connects to people and experiences strongly. 

it's really not that I just say whatever I am thinking and let my life be run by emotion. i promise. it's that after i have prayed, searched my heart for my motivation, filtered through what i know about Jesus and the way He loves me, if after I have checked it against my desire to honor my husband- if it is still true, then I express it. (and often in giant run on sentences)

and i am afraid to be misunderstood. i am afraid to be judged less then honorable, inappropriate simply because our culture has conditioned us to be shallow.

And the truth is that sometimes it is too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy for the people in my life. I only hope that they reap enough of the benefits of my intensity that they can lean in when I am all of the above.